We’re instituting a new author series. You might know the author. His name is God. Every Monday from now until the Apocalypse, God will give us some signs. One a day until the end of the world. (That’s 12/21/12 in case you didn’t know.)
As an introduction to the Monday series, here is a chapter from “The Book of Revelations” in God’s memoir THE LAST TESTAMENT - yes, THE LAST TESTAMENT - written by the Almighty (with the help of David Javerbaum, American comedy writer and former executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.)
You can follow God at your local church, synagogue, mosque, or on Twitter @TheTweetofGod.
So much for the when of Armageddon; but the how has been well-established for almost two millennia.
H.G., Jesus, and I worked out the details at a meeting shortly after the Crucifixion; and the plan we created is the one we intend to follow on December 21, 2012.
Shortly after that meeting in the late 1st century, I visited John the Evangelist and granted him the version of end-times that he wrote down in The Book of Revelation.
Its hallucinatory imagery, discursive plot, cryptic language, and overall Ursula K. Le Guin-on-PCP feel have led many to question its authenticity as true divine prophecy.
But verily, everything on the page is an accurate and complete account of the vision John beheld that night on the Greek island of Patmos; which, like the tale of Leviathan, I made up as I went along.
How’s that for revelation?
What, didst thou really believe I would reveal every detail of the Apocalypse, so that when it comes thou wouldst know exactly what to expect and how to prepare?
What dost thou take me for, Thor?
No, I used John to head-fake thee, and head-faked thou wert; for with Revelation at its guide, the end-of-the-world trade grew exponentially from a black market, to a cottage industry, to a legitimate business, to the military-eschatological complex it is today.
Even I am surprised it hath proven so popular; for in hindsight, most of the stuff I crammed into John’s hallucination that night was third-tier mythology I would not have fobbed off the Inuit.
I attribute its continued influence not to the great number of people who have read it, but to the far greater number who have not.
For The Book of Revelation is definitely one of those works whose authority withstands ignorance far better than familiarity.
Verily, get high one night and read it, if thou wouldst giggle unceasingly.
But what I am willing to share, is the schedule for the signs leading up to the unknown events of December 21, 2012.
There will be one such sign every day (more or less) starting from January 1, and my team and I are putting a lot of effort into them; more than is strictly prudent, to be honest with thee.
For as thou shalt see, most of these signs require a great deal of planning and topnotch production values; and allotting the needed angelpower for their execution will put additional stress on the rest of the staff preparing for the dark, unfathomable events of December 21, 2012.
I could say we are doing it to pander mankind’s love of omens, but the omens man prefers are of the cryptic variety; as with Nostradamus, who will write vaguely, of, say, “a brown man from the south,” prompting the creative reader to make a mental connection that sends him leaping out of his chair yelling, “Hugo Chavez!”
Our omens, however, are much more unambiguous; moreover—and this is the real reason we are putting so much effort into them—they are fun.
We had a great time writing them, the boys and I; it was like the Ten Plagues all over again; and I know we shall have a good time turning them into reality, as we shall the mysterious, terrifying, indescribably inconceivable events of December 21, 2012.
The very first of which, against my own better judgment, I have included at the end of this schedule.
It is my way of saying thank thee, dear Reader, for devoting some of the precious little time left in thy life to reading this humble book.
I will pay thee back.